Why “Just breathe” is bad advice, and how to get past it
Everyone knows that certain types of breathing can – at least in theory – help lower anxiety levels. And, some folks have triggers when it comes to using the breath to access calm.
“Just breathe,” your mom/ third grade teacher Mrs. Davidson/ other well-intentioned but potentially condescending and deeply unhelpful person says, totally mis-attuning to your experience. “If only it was that simple!” you think as you roll your eyes.
The messages we often get when someone tells us to “just breathe” are a) we shouldn’t be upset and our emotions aren’t OK, b) this isn’t a big deal, and c) it is easy to feel calm. Often this response invalidates our emotions, telling us to get it together for the comfort of that other person who doesn’t like seeing us upset because of what it brings up inside them.
If that’s you, let’s strip away some of the baggage that being told to “breathe” comes with by explaining the physiology of how the breath works, so you understand how to tap into its power to send signals of safety to your body. Don’t let your righteous anger at Mrs. Davidson keep you from accessing this power that is inside you, and literally always available and free.
The breath is one of few places in our body where our conscious control overlaps with our autonomic nervous system (ANS), which runs things unconsciously in the background. You don’t have to think about your liver working – the ANS just takes care of it. In the same way, you don’t have to think about breathing – it will happen, even if you are unconscious or asleep.
But – you also CAN think about your breathing and intentionally alter it, and by doing that, send messages that shift the state of your autonomic nervous system towards more activation or calm. If your ANS is triggered into a state of anxiety, it’s like your internal smoke alarm is going off. Intentional breathing sends a signal back that it was just some over-cooked toast – the house isn’t actually on fire – and the alarm can stop.
There are a million different breathing techniques out there. As James Nestor explains in the excellent book “Breath,” many techniques rely on two simple keys to unlock the power of the breath to bring more calm into the body:
The inhalation is connected to the “fight or flight” system, and the exhalation is connected to the parasympathetic (aka “rest and digest”) system. Therefore, breathing that focuses on a longer exhale than inhale - or at least makes inhales and exhales equal length - sends cues to your body to relax. Slow, long exhalations are a way to tell your body things are safe right now. Some people like counted breath to use this key, for example, inhaling for the count of 4, holding it for a count of 5, and exhaling for a count of 7. The specific numbers matter less than keeping the exhale the same length or longer than the inhale and making sure it is still comfortable.
Breath that goes into the upper part of your lungs – your chest – is connected to the “fight or flight” system. Breath that goes into the belly, letting it fill like a balloon by relaxing the diaphragm, connects to the “rest and digest” system. Therefore, breathing low and slow into your belly instead of into your chest turns on the part of the nervous system that helps you feel calm. You can practice this by lying down, placing one hand on your belly and one on your chest, and practicing feeling for the hand on your belly to be the main mover.
Posture also often affects both of these keys – when we are tense, with our shoulders hunched over, we often slip unconsciously into shallow breathing in and out of our chest. When you notice anxiety, check in with your posture and breath, and see if you can use these two keys to unlock a little more ease. Now that you know these keys, you can experiment with different types of breathing to see what feels best for you, and what helps to turn down the volume on anxiety.
The next time you feel anxiety, instead of hearing Mrs. Davidson’s voice, imagine talking to yourself kindly, saying something like “I know you’re feeling anxious. Anxiety is a hard feeling, and we will get through it together. Sometimes breathing can help. Would it be OK to try it for a minute and see?” Notice if that feels different in your body than “Just breathe,” and if there is more openness to experimenting with the breath to support your nervous system.
Let me know how it goes!
Love,
Kate